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Anticrombi

Anticrombi

Member since February 22, 2006 - Page Hits: 125

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Mon Apr 17, 2006 11:33 am
by: artfisch

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too bad it's a ladies shirt.

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Anticrombi's Blog

Sunday, April 29, 2007 - 01:31 PM

A slow day in the office

A couple months old but whatever...

As its been quite slow in the office lately Ive decided to log an hour by hour account of one of my days here at work. I invite you all along for what, I hope, will be a mildly entertaining look at a slow day at work for me. The reasoning behind it all?god only knows.

1st hour

March 1st 8:40am

Arrive at hell, otherwise known as work, 10 minutes late. The boss is rustling around the filing cabinet at my desk clearly perplexed at his own very existence. "Hey" he fires off in my direction, "Hello" I say with less enthusiasm. He putters off to his own office around the corner to leave me wondering where an odd smell is coming from. Kind of a mixture between hot garbage and stale throw up, I track the source to the office mini fridge.

With building fear I open the door and like a wave of sickness I fall back and drop to the floor.

Suppressing my persistent dry heaving, I manage to close the door and escape unscathed physically, however the mental anguish will surely haunt me forever.

My partner in crime Betty (not her real name) walks through the back door 5 minutes later than myself, an older lady and a little rounder but still funny and witty enough to go toe to toe with, scrunches up her face and says "Is that the fridge?".

I make some coffee to calm myself before having to do the inevitable

I check my weaponry, paper towel check, vim oxygel check, sometype of orange cleaner check. I take a deep breath before opening pandoras box. Betty goes to the phones, I can only assume shes calling a priest, were going to need all the help we can get..... I discover the source of the problem, a quarter wheel of cheese left over from the grand opening of the showroom, Gouda. I cast the vile thing into a bag and run it outside to the garbage.

I check my watch 9:07am. Damn it!

Mike arrives on the scene, yes that's his real name, many of you dont know this but Mike IS in fact short for asshole. He is, of course, my second partner in crime but also my nemesis. Our relationship is more of a hate/hate relationship, we burn each other on a regular basis, so were pretty close. More on him later

I return to my desk to go over some important documents and briefs, but mainly just to check my e-mails. ahhh another witty one from Betty:

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I laugh



2nd Hour

March 1 9:50am

After procrastinating actually doing any work I finally realize one thing Im out of e-mails, personal or otherwise, to read.

Betty informs me that she gets to drive to Calgary (1 hour away) to return some glasses that were used for our open house. They cant be couriered, oh no, that would cost too much. This all means shell be about 2 ½ hours away from the office. I glare at her unimpressed and slightly.no, incredibly jealous. She smiles back rather proud of herself and her accomplishment of escape, secretly I congratulate her on her fine work. Id never tell her, of course, but I was impressed

Bettys absence leaves me with a bit of a dilemma; I no longer have someone to procrastinate with. You see, its much easier to do nothing if you have some back up, and right now, Im down a man.....or woman for those of you that are paying attention.

My salvation comes when Betty points to a box that arrived late the previous day "you could always put my filing cabinet together!" yes! Sweet victory! this will most definitely take up at least the rest of the hour, I mean how hard could it be?...

3rd hour

March 1 10:45

....Swiss watch makers make things less complicated than this filing cabinet.

I start by taking it out of the box, which is a task unto itself due to the fact that someone was a little happy with the packing tape, I make a mental note. kill packing tape guy. and add him to my growing roster

Construction of the Taj Mahal of all filing cabinets is well underway when a Finisher walks in (Finisher definition: The guy who comes in near the end of a house being built to put in baseboards, casing, railing etc. can be identified by the use of the line "You know, Im a fair guy and I just expect to be treated fairly, you know?") after drinking our coffee and nosing about our showroom he recognizes me "Hey arent you the designer? So you put furniture together now? Ha, ha" After another quick mental note I reply "Anything to get away from the desk". He laughs "yeah, I hear ya". Mike, seizing an opportunity, quips in "Well, its not like he does any work here anyways". Nice one Mike,

The score: Mike 1, Andrew 0

A cold chill runs through me and the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Theres only a couple things this could mean.
1. Someone just stepped on my grave and
2. something even more evil and sinister, I look to my right.. my boss comes into sight, I shudder again. He greets the Finisher and they disappear to his office.

Construction proceeds

4th Hour

March 1 11:38am

After finishing the impossible and positioning the monolith in place I notice theres still 20 minutes till my hour of freedom called Lunch begins.

Mike comes out of a meeting and asks me if I could give him a hand because hes swamped, I accept. I made a valiant effort but sadly, it would seem, work prevailed.We sit down to get started when Mike speaks up "What do you want to do for lunch?"
"I dont know, but its in like 15 minutes"
"Really? Fuck this then, lets jump in the truck, go up to site then well go for lunch."

A quiet smile creeps across my face. I'm not out of the running yet!

Mike was good for that, he'd sense I need out and make an announcement in front of the boss similar to this.."Hey, Andrew, I need your help up on site for the placement of something, blah blah blah" getting me out of the cursed office environs. Site visits are the small pleasure I get to do like 1-2 times a week.

5th Hour

March 1 1:12pm

In my absence Betty had returned, however, it was now her lunch break.

I helped Mike with the scheduling he needed then turned to the internet

"Hey" I hear directly behind me, my boss, seemingly appearing from nowhere has snuck out as silently as death to appear right behind me.

"Jesus Christ!" I gasp clutching my heart (not so much as it hurts, but so that he doesnt have a clear shot at tearing it out) "for the love of god ____ (his name)make some noise when you come up behind me".

He laughs (an evil mind altering laugh) "yeah, sorry man, anyway I need you to pick up the prints we had done yesterday, next door, because Im leaving by 3:00" "yeah, sure" I manage to spit out.

Gathering my wits together I realize Id forgotten a key element of today. My boss was leaving for vacation for 3 weeks.. Trumpets with the ethereal and haunting, yet calming, song of angels ring in my ears..a single tear runs down my cheek, tears of overwhelming joy.

Of course, this also meant I needed to get quite a bit in order before he leftin 2 hours.

*note: Let me set something straight, right away, because Im sure some of you are either like What a lazy fuck, why hasnt he been fired yet? and others are probably like where do I sign up!? I do actually DO work, but about once a year we get this lull in work (Basically Ive caught up so much that Im ahead) for about a month or 2. So that being said Ill use a line from the movie Office Space:

Its not that Im lazy, its that I just dont care

6th Hour

March 1 2:30pm

After picking up blueprints, renderings, sketches and all sorts of documents I felt almost everything was in order but something wasnt right, kinda like the feeling you get from eating to much cheese... I gag (remembering the gouda)...

7th Hour

March 1 3:15pm

I mindlessly roam the interweb in search of...? ahh fuck it, I'm looking at tattoos

8th Hour AKA the 11th hour

March 1 4:05

A Courier enters; "Hey, Im here to pick up something?" Betty takes the lead "Here you go!" she says while simultaneously handing him a package. This close to the end of the day anything could go wrong..



Murphys Law states: Anything that can happen will happen



and it did. "Wow, this day sure did fly by huh?" speaks the Courier.



Theres a little rule that you office people should already know: never EVER say "Man, this day sure has flown bye, huh?" by stating such a simple comment you curse any and all in the vicinity to a type ofwell, how can I explain it?...time paradox. Basically time stands still and the minutes drip away like frozen molasses. No matter what you do you always seem to check your watch every 39 seconds seeming to think that it has to have been an hour. If youve been a victim of this curse you know it cant be lifted, nothing I repeat NOTHING can make it go faster. I was a cursed man.



Bettys expression goes to that of severe depression, she understood right away the implications of that little statement.



If looks could kill this poor soul would have been an undiscernible heap of organs and parts littered about the office. "Well, have a good day guys!" He leaves seemingly oblivious to the torturous task hes now left us with.



Mother Fucker! The curse had hit me like a ton of bricks I had already checked my watch twice since his leaving.



4:10pm I can almost feel the energys slowing down around me



4:13pmYou have got to be fucking kidding me!



4:20pm.. heh heh



4:45pm I can almost taste it.and it tastes like sweet sweet victory



4:55pm Ive cleaned my desk completely, dusted the keyboard and mouse, cleaned the office kitchen, even started to clean Mikes desk, anything to kill time!! Now here I stand perched at the edge of my desk staring at my watch, coat on counting th.5:00pm!!! Im free!!

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Captain Obvious

I'm the guy in the background

Andrew Warwick

Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Sex: Male

Age: 37

Marital Status: Married

Job: Architectural Technologist. I do the grunt work of drawings and code reviews, as well as filing for permits etc. etc.

Sign: Pisces

I joined Tattoodles because: I'm an aspiring collector

Body type: Fabulous....simply fabulous

My tattoos: Tribal on my back, samurai full sleeve on my left arm

My tattoo wishlist: Entirely to many to list, and not enough canvas.

My body mods: Extreme body hair growth....you'll all see, it'll catch on I tell ya.....you'll see..

Fave bands: Anything that strikes emotion.

Fave flicks: Snatch, Lock stock and two smoking barrels, Indiana Jones, star wars, district 9, hurt locker, shawshank redemption.

Fave TV: Documentaries on stuff...and how it's made

Fave books: the Road, Night Angel trilogy, The Dirt,

Fave foods: Italian, Greek, and Mexican...in that order

Member since: Wed Feb 22, 2006 9:51 am

Vices: Tubby Dog and the peanut butter, banana, & bacon milk shakes at boogies burgers...yeah you heard right, BACON in ma milkshake

Current crush: Kate Beckinsale...and my wife of course

...in that order.

Most embarrassing moment: Farting in junior high math class during a big test.

Favorite quote: Moderatio est Figmentum "Control is (an) Illusion"

What makes me frisky: Gin

My favorite poison: Beer

My favorite hangout: XBOX 360

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