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Toodles Preaches On to those Scratching Sinners!

And wash your stank ass before getting in the tattoo chair.

by Toodles

January 26, 2006

A tattooer is expected to bring a lot of things to the artistic process. Talent, top grade equipment, experience, steadiness, empathy and improvisation are just a few of the requirements expected of a tattooer. Its a tall order, but one that most of us fill without complaining. This brings me to what the customer is expected to bring to the tattoo situation, namely; soap and water.

Nothing galls us like having to hunch over a stenchy foot for 2 hours while we put your "Baby Daddy" name on your bunion, or the "wiped once when thrice was right" effect of a lower back booty antlers tattoo. When we are 4 inches away from you for hours at a time, it doesn't take long to figure out that you enjoy extra onions on your stinkburger hoagie or that you are waiting for the magic naval fairy to come and swab out your belly button because you forgot to that day. So please, we'll take care of the talent and pokey bit as long as you take care of the smelly parts.

There's only so much a squirt of green soap will cover.


Dear Toodles,

Hi my name is Tammaralee (aka-T-LEE) and im a grade 12 student at the Grande Prairie Composite High School and i ned to do a reserch project for a class on tattoo and how to become one and i was wondering if u could help me out a little by giveing me information u might have i would really apretiate it and when i become a tattoo artist i will thank u so much


Well t-Bucket if there is one thing people always say about ole Toodles is "he always helps the kids", that and "hey fucker, whereís the beer I left in here!?"

So in the interest in helping my semi-literate friend here, Iím going to answer "how u become one". Becoming a tattoo is difficult for those of us not born as ink but with dedication anyone can become a tattoo. First you must be dried out to the point where you will be easy to grind into a dust like consistency. I recommend stuffing oneís self into an industrial kiln. Home ovens will work, but itíll take several hours.

Once you are paper thin and bone dry you can then be ground into a powder. In your case it would be T-Lee powder. Then itís a simple step to mix your now powdery form with a suspension agent and shake well! Iím not sure what color ink you would turn out to be T-Bone but Iím guessing it will be something bloody. Then get a tattooer to use your T-Lee ink on some Tazmanian Devil sleeve and BINGO! You are a tattoo! Congratulations!

Hello my hope!

I am not sure you get this message but if you got I want you to know that I want to travel to the USA to work in two weeks and I just want to meet right man.
I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. if you have not wife or girlfriend ,maybe we could try to meet?
I am 25 years old, I will tell you more about me and send you a picture when you reply.
Please write to me directly to my mail-! Email I am writing from right now is not mine.Make sure you write to my personal address.
See you soon

Y'know Truely, Iíve been around the block a few times, and while I may have fallen for this routine on 7 or 12 occasions, eventually even I get wise to "the game" you Ruskies are perpetrating on ole Toodles.

My third wife, Svetlana summed it up best when she said "Goodbye stinky tattoo cartoon, now that I am citizen, I am off to marry successful comedian like Yakov Schmirinoff!"

Wives 7 and 8 had similar "advice" for me and by wife 10 I was getting the idea that these lovely (ok, semi-lovelyÖ haggard? Alright, Yeti-like)women just wanted me to marry them for instant citizenship! *sob* I felt soÖ used *snif!* And they didnít even let meÖ y'knowÖ sniff it or anything.

Dearest Toodles,

I had started a ribcage piece by an artist who's ego is bigger than the shop itself. Needless to say, I was very naive about the workmanship of tattooing (straight lines, blowing out, etc.) when I had started this. It's been months since we've worked on it, however, I do work with him. How do I tell this artist that I do not want him to finish my tattoo (and that if he'd only pull his head out of his ass, he could be a much better artist) ?


Well, uh, Kaoz (I think thatís Greek), telling an artist that they are not very good is like telling a supermodel that she is fat. If you work with the guy it gets even tougher, and if you have a half done piece its even more harder-er. I think the only safe bet is to feign some sort of split personality. That way when he asks when you are going to work on your ribs you can say "Kaoz is gone, there is only! Schmecky now. . .Schmecky HATES TATTOO!!!! HAAATTTEEESS!!!" then drool a little bit.

Then when its time to get paid just come out of it and collect your paycheck from his trembling fingers.

Dear Toodles,

I'm trying to help my artist find some specific inks. He said there is something called ZAP! ink and it comes in neon or flourescent colors. Does anyone know where we can get these bad boys or is there a catalog we can get a hold of? He ! doesn't have a computer and I'm soooo novice at this! HELP!


Toad-reamer, I like giving out suppliers info about as much as I like poking myself in the eye. Which means - A LOT! Unfortunately for you I have never heard of Neon ink. In fact I do believe that neon is an inert electrically stimulated gas that must be held in a vacuum when energized in order to fluoresce. This means "no inky for stinky".

If your tattooer is a legitimate, shop working professional then he should be able to find any ink he needs. Perhaps he is faking a lack of knowledge because he doesnít want to use neon fluorescent ink. Or maybe he just doesnít like you.

If I was a toad, I certainly wouldnít.

Dear Toodles,

how do i get in to claified what size neeles should out line be made in and shading


Drugs, P-d-bill, are bad. So is your ability to spell. Fortunately for you though, I have the gist of your idea. Iím afraid that in your uh, enhanced state, you wont understand unless I translate my answer into drug-ese, so here you go...

u don nede to no less u is a reel tat2ur.

Dear Toodles,

i want to get started to lern to tatoo on my own me nad my son but dontknow what machines or wht stuuf to keep a clean tattoing studio and what would you sugeest and who do i talk to thanks let me know

Bill Soul

Bill Soul My Brother!

I sense that , like me, you are a GOD fearing man, brother! (amen!) And as such, you are NO doubt familliar with the GOOD BOOK and its news! (halleleujah!) But, my brother, have you FORGOTTEN Daniel 34:2 where it says. . . .

"LO and I did behold the MULTITUDE of FUCKED UP tattoos! And Wept at the SCARS and SICKNESS!
And we fell to our knees crying 'LORD, why do these WRETCHES suffer so!?' and the LORD spake and sayeth
'The HORROR you behold is the work of SCRATCHERS my son, for they SEEK NOT proper training NOR sterilization procedures!'
and we were much saddened by this."

CAN you not SEE brother SOUL!? Do you not feel the WORD of the LORD!? (amen!) CAN you not understand that YOU will be SINNING against good tattoos if you persist in your home tattooing efforts!? (oh say it aint so!!) But you can be REDEEMED brother Soul! Repent! Repent and throw away that home tattooer kit! (YEA!) and YOU WILL BE SAVED! (AMEN!)


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