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Ask Toodles > View Ask Archives

Will Toodles Ever Stop Buggin'?

...and In Need of Deadly Vampire Slaying Tattoo Guns.

by JasonLambertArtist

October 29, 2005

Year after year a new crop of students appears, and like the geese returning to their ancestral feeding grounds, like clockwork one or two of them will find their way into our shop wanting an interview. Don't get me wrong, press attention, carefully managed, can be a benefit. On the other hand, some dimwit who can barely write at a 6th grade level asking "So, like, do a lot of girls get their, you know, stuff tattooed?" for his Sociology 101 class helps us not at all and is frankly annoying the 1000th time. Why do these folks think they are the first ones to zero in on tattooing? If they really want to "explore the subculture" why not interview their roommate on how to homebrew grain alcohol in an old Listerine bottle. . .

Dear Toodles,

help we ned a tattoo machine were por plese help i ned it free i`m from romania and i`m desperate rite me back if iou can help me



Iím afraid that I canít help you with a free tattoo machine. Donít worry though; I do have a solution for your poorness though! One, sell the computer you are typing this on. Two, cancel your internet provider. Three, go by some brown bread and . . uh. . .garlic or whatever you Dracula killers eat. Problem solved!

Dear Toodles,

Hi If I had a Girlfriend, I would Love hers, I always Love Mine. My Question is would She like My Tattoos? I want her to love Me too.


Tim the Bard,

*sniff* that was beautiful man . . . just. . Beautiful! *sniff* "I would love hers, I always love mine" its goddamn poetry man, POETRY! I feel unworthy to mock your lyrical creation, I am a speechless Toodles. . . all I can say is She will like you tattoos! SHE WILL!*sob*

Dear Toodles,

i have learned to tattoo with my many visits to jail. now im out and doing them from home using pigment pen liners (expensive). everyone ive done says i do deadly work but theres only one shop in town and there not interested in an apprentice. (one guy shop) How, or where can i buy ink and new machines from a repituble company, seeing how im not with a tattoo shop?pref in BC? thanks


Mental . . . case . . . perhaps not the wisest name for a tattoo artist. Its right up there with "Shaky" and "Scabs" in the names-which-do-not -inspire-confidence category. I might suggest something more along the lines of "Straighty" or "Smoothy McShaderson" or something like that.
To answer your question, I am struck by your description of your tattoos as "deadly" as they may very well end up literally being deadly if you give someone hepatitis with your home tattooer ways. If you live somewhere that has no need for apprentices, move. Until then Iím afraid that none of the reputable manufacturers will even sell you a smile for a dime.

Dear Toodles,

You want how much? But I gots diss one in another state for less 6 years ago... You buggin...


Dear Riversmythson the 3rd (yea, I know your real name),

We are indeed bugging my compadre, bugging to the fullest extent one might bug. I daresay our bugging knows no bounds. A literal infinite array of bugging is ours to explore, and explore it we do! Yes, to the very borders of buggingís possibility! So you must understand how much we have bugged when I tell you "cheap tattoos arenít good, and good tattoos arenít cheap"

Dear Toodles,

Looking for a good tatto artist in california. Do you recommend anyone?



a tatto artist? No.
a TattoO artist? Yes.
In fact California (or Kulieforneeya as you governator says it) is a veritable Mecca of tattooing! Instead of trying to name the hundreds of fan-fucking-tastic tattooers who make the earthquake state their homes, instead let me share a simple technique.

First, find the relative center of the city of your residence. It doesnít have to be exact, just make sure you arenít standing ON a fault line.
Second, find a dead cat. It doesnít have to be fresh or anything . . . this isnít witchcraft, dammit. Itís SCIENCE!
Third, swing the dead cat around. Within one or two rotations you should have hit a world class tattooer. After wiping the dead felineís intestines off said artist look at his portfolio and make an appointment.

Dear Toodles,

Hey, i have a serious question. I started my tattoo apprenticeship under my dad when i was 15, and he passed away when i was 16. I have been anxious to finish, but i dont really know where i begin. I live in a very small town, with like....two shops within a 50 mile radius,and one of them isnt worth the ground that its sitting on. I was curious on roughly how much it would cost, and the legal aspects. I done alot of research,but without much help. Thanks lots!!!



If you have two shops around you, then you have the potential for an apprenticeship at a shop. If neither of them is willing to take you on as an apprentice, then move. Tattooing is not something that will come to you, you must go to it. Itís kind of a dick like that.
As far as cost . . . an apprenticeship is a word we use to describe a million different things. Some shops want you to pay them, some pay you (little) to be the shop lackey while apprenticing, and some want you to blow the owner (my jaw still hurts!) Every shop will give you a different requirement.

Are you as snide and lippy in person as you are in your responses? Do you get punched out a lot, or have you been beaten enough that you'd rather stick to making fun of people on the internet? You reek of inferiority, who made you the god of the tattoo world anyway?


Dear goddamn goddamn,

Here on earth we have a little something known as humor. Itís obviously a foreign concept to you, so Iíll go slow for you. To begin with, unless youíre in some Kubrick like nightmare, no one is forcing you to read this section, if my awesome powers of advice giving are not to your taste, there is a naked girls only a click away.
Next, humor comes in many forms. My particular form is known as sarcasm. It means you say something in a way that makes it seem ridiculous or mocking. Like when I say "Your letter is SO well thought out and your grammar is EXCELLENT. You MUST be a genius!" I was being sarcastic. Got it?
Lastly, I reek of allot of things. High Karate, bratwurst, green soap, that funky smell on your thumb if you stick it in your navel, but Iím not catching inferiority at all brother. It might just be your upper lip backing up on you. Check it out for me will ya?
As for who made me god of the tattoo world? You did, by just being YOU. *wink* so you just keep on being you, kiddo!


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