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Toodles Says Nice Poopstain!

And How to Avoid the Tattoo of the Maggoty Foetus.

by Toodles

November 16, 2005

There are really only two kinds of tattoo customer in the world, those who want A tattoo and those who simply want to BE tattooed. The differences are easy to spot. The person who wants A tattoo will come in with an idea, talk about the design, ask questions about placement and design, and if the price is too much for their budget at that time, they'll start saving or work on a portion of their idea in sessions. Those who just want to BE tattooed will come in with an idea, then immediately ask the price, and after the obligatory shocked expression say something like "Ok then I'll just get a name instead".

Dear Toodles,

I have an old biohazard tattoo, yet not to say I am a AIDS infected queer, in fact to inform people that I am a hazard to them and to myself. Or so I thought at the time. With the great biohazard/AIDS- gay thing going around, should I do something with the symbol, or leave it alone and tell people to get f@#ed?


Y'know Madface sometimes things happen in our lives for a reason. Sometimes you stop to tie that loose shoe lace and thereby miss getting crushed by falling Piano mere seconds later.
I believe in your case the biohazard tattoo you have was the universesí way of trying to teach you a little tolerance and respect for those whose sexual identity might be exactly the same as yours. Perhaps when all is said and done you will find that calling someone an 'AIDS infected queer' is a closed minded and stupid thing to say when you have heard it 200 times yourself. Maybe, but I doubt it.
So in order to save yourself the horror of being thought of as gay, just get some lettering around it along the lines of "100% all male!" or "No dicks allowed!" that should clear it up for people.

Dear Toodles,

Temporary Tattoos Don't Compare to Permanent Tattoos. Taking care of My Tattoos are Essentail in My Opinion, what would you suggest an Oianment after I get a New tattoo.


O Timothy master of the obvious.

You are correct O wise one, temporary tattoos do NOT compare to permanent ones. In fact the term "temporary tattoo" is an oxymoron along the lines of "military intelligence" or "too much money". In order to keep folks from mistaking a real tattoo for a "temporary tattoo" I prefer to call them "poopstains". So if you see one you can say "Hey, nice poopstain!"
After getting a new tattoo it is VERY important to take care of it. Some shops recommend different ointments or lotions, you should really talk to your particular tattooer. In my case, my tattooer, Rusty McScabberson, recommends rubbing half a bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon on my tattoo every 34 minutes. It doesnít actually work and all my tattoos look like shit, but I get to drink the other half of the bottle so after a few hours of "caring for my tattoo" Iím too drunk to give a shit anyway. Good luck!

Dear Toodles,

So, I found some great examples of designs I like. And even one that I would love done EXACTLY as it is in the flash. Is it annoying when people come into a shop with flash from other artists and then say, "this is what I want"? Or do I have to go all the way to the east coast to get the artist to tattoo me? (I'm a nerdy midwesterner.)


Dear (o this is tooo easy) Canoes,

The vast majority of tattooers will be happy to accommodate your design choice, whether it is flash or not. Itís actually very common for folks to bring in images from the inter-ma-webs and unless the image needs to be modified for technical reasons, it should be damn close to exactly what you bring in.
However, Canoles, you must be aware that there is a rare but annoying strain of tattooer out there who might have an issue with you bringing your own art in. You can usually tell these guys because halfway through your first sentence describing what you want they will interrupt with a description of what they want to put on you instead. This frequently includes black and grey demon fetus babies, naked barbarian chicks, and hyper realistic maggots which will take 14 sessions to complete. The accepted procedure is to back away slowly and go find a tattooer willing to listen to what you want. (Unless of course, a demon fetus baby IS what you want. . . )

Dear Toodles,

Well Im new to the tattoo world I enjoy drawing I have been taking classes for years, I want to try my hand at a stencil and placing it on my skin and doing it in marker to see how it looks first. But I have no idea how to take a picture I have drawn and place it on my skin. I don't want to take advantage of this site and its pro's but could I get any sugestions on how to do this without having the $5000. apprenticeship Im just interested in seeing my work on me without having to keep it. Thanks



You must think youíre real smart, donít ya buddy!? Like ol Toodles hasnít heard that "I just want to see my art on me" line before? The next thing you know were in some sleazy hotel without our pants and youíre begging me to draw an Orca on yer Johnson so you can "free Willy". Well, I donít know what you've heard about me sailor, but Iím a GOOD BOY! So get out of my face and go get your sicko jollies somewhere else!
(pssst! meet you at the No-tell Motel on Route 4 at 6:00. . . ill bring the markers, you bring the wine)

Dear Toodles,

if i see you at the pitt convention, will i get the tattoodles discount on a tattoo?


Dom in ick,

You certainly will! Of course to get the Tattoodles discount you must first join the Toodles frequent fryer club. Once we get your initial Dues ($666 non refundable in used low denomination bills) and you purchase your Toodles "I got Toodled" official t shirt ($54 non-refundable in pre 1973 Indian rupees) and your Toodles "special ointment" ($3 and an empty unused condom and/or baggie) you too will be able to take advantage of our .03% off offer!*
See you there!!!!

*discount not good on any tattoo containing red, blue, black, yellow or a combination thereof or on tattoos requiring the use of needles. Void where prohibited.


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