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Toodles' Recipe for Grow in the Dark Ink!

And Other Dirty Tattoo Limricks

by Toodles

November 29, 2005

There is, in every ones life, that guy who thinks he's really, really witty. He isn't the one friend who really is witty, but he thinks he is. The one who cracks stupid jokes at the waitress and makes crude silly innuendos to any female he's is even vaguely familiar with. Unfortunately this guy seems to be the one person who always wants to accompany our customers to their tattoo appointments. Usually he's too big of a pussy to get a tattoo himself so he'll immediately say something along the lines of "I don't have a tattoo because everyone else does. That's MY way of being a rebel". And then at some point he'll ask "Do you get to tattoo a lot of titties!? har har" and then when you pay say something along the lines of "$100 for THAT!? This job is like a license to steal!"

Rest assured, the entire time we dream of getting this clown in the chair. Nothing would plaster a grin across our mouths for a month like watching Mr.HaHa writhing in his own fear sweat and then passing out before the needle even touches the moron. So this Christmas, think of your tattooer and get your witty friend a gift certificate to your local tattoo shop. . . .

Dear Toodles,

tattoos: it looks like it is scabing over. i know i shouldn't pick, but should i leave it alone? will it go away? should i see the tattoo artist? or see a doctor? or put something on it. and if yes what? please help. thanxs

randy

Dandy Randy,

There is actually an OOOOOOOOOLD traditional sea shanty pertaining to this very issue. It goes a-something like this…

O' there once twer a scabby tat,
With crust as thick as pie,
T’was put on by pirate inker,
Who’s went by the name O' One Eye.

Ole One Eye told ‘em time and again,
"Lad ‘tis skin that’s a grown back"
"So keep yer scurvy fingers off"
"Or the ink your tattoo will lack!"

Ah but the lads were a frightened lot,
And listened not a twit,
So they picked and scratched an don'cha know,
Their tattoos all healed like shit.

In other words, Handy Dandy Randy, leave it alone, put lotion on it, it will be fine. Oh and listen to pirates, they know their shit.

Dear Toodles,

i need some grow in the dark ink

sean Flanagan

Well Sean Flanagan (is that Italian!? Ciao!), not many things will grow in the dark. There’s bats, mold and mushrooms and not a whole lot else. I’ve tried making ink using bats and I can tell you, their little nipples are damn near impossible to find let alone milk! Ink made from mold tends to cause weird side effects like vomiting, swelling, and death, so we don’t use that anymore. So that leaves mushrooms. The last time we made mushroom ink the only ones we could find were being kept in our hippy roommate’s footlocker. I don’t know why, but every time I got tattooed with that ink I would start seeing blood coming from the walls and the television would wink at me. I did get to see God, but I really can’t recommend it for everyone… dude.

Dear Toodles,

Hey guys my sweet 16 is coming up in less then 15 days and for my gift my parents are letting me get a tattoo. I want a design from your site..but i cant buy a membership and i really need your designs cause this will be my first tattoo. if there is anyway you coud let me veiw your designs i would really appreciate it.i wiill promote or something. i just love the designs,because no one else has what i want. please get back to me with some help. Thank You

- Nikki

Darling Nikki,

You will promote? Yes, because what we really, really need here at tattoodles is a 16 year old with a tattoo promoting our site.
I got a better idea. Instead of a tattoo, have your folks get you a 2 year membership to Tattoodles. That way you will have total access to all our awesome designs AND when you turn 18 you will be 100% sure about what you want and be old enough to be sure you want it! See we all win that way.
Otherwise, you’re grounded. Now go clean up your room, young lady.

Toodles

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