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Invitation to a Tattoo Party!

The truth revealed: Is Toodles a Bush Man?

by AdamSkyArtist

April 14, 2005

Got a burning question about tattooing but were afraid to ask? Fire Toodles an email! This week we showcase more candidates from the Encyclopedia Britannica faculty.

Dear Toodles,

i think tatoos are cool ilove needles and my blood going down my back
it gets me exided. iwish i could tell u more but the bells going to ring
i'm at school get a better education u can get far there in live

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I think u need 2 study a little more , if u can get az "exided" about, say the english language, as u seem 2 b about needles im sure u will indeed get " far there in live".

Tattoos are definitely cool; they're the coolest, but I donít really see what that would have to do with blood running down your back. Iíve got a lotta tattoos and never had enough blood to run let alone run down my back. If you have a back tattoo and felt something running down your backÖ are you sure it was blood? Iím guessing your artist was engaging in a little "target practice", next time insure that his pants are on for the entire tattoo process. Also in the future you might want to avoid any shop named "Bukake-toos", "Money Shots", or "Sailor Squirts Skinsations".

Dear Toodles,

Are there any tatoo artist available for parties?

Tia

Dear Tia,

You bet we are Tia! Iím gonna show up with my friends Jack Daniels and his sailor cousin Captain Morgan! Woo Hoo!!!! I hope I donít throw up this time and punch any house pets like last time. . .damn probations almost up too. I swear that daschund was giving me the stink-eye though and he got what was coming to him. . .Either way i hope you donít mind if I take off my pants and do my impersonation of the "Minnesota wristwatch", cause when Toodles gets his par-tay on, all bets are off!!!!

Huh? Oh, wait a minute. You want me to TATTOO at a party!? Well, as much as i would LOVE to sit in some dingy, disease ridden kitchen tattooing stumbling drunks while the same 50 Cent CD plays over and over in the background, Iím afraid I must decline.

Iím still gettingí drunk though.

Dear Toodles,

do you have a picture off tehe tattoe of anastacia because i don t see
what\'s inside the celtic cross.please answer back thank you very much xxxxx

Carolien

Dear Carolien,

Usually the "xxxxx" at the end of your letter means "kisses" but Iím pretty sure in this case Carolien, that it is a notation of how many beers you had before writing us. But one of my drinking buddies insists that this is no version of drunkese he's ever heard. So in our expert opinion, itís Klingon. So, in the interest of providing the best service we can to our users, here is the reply . . . in Klingon. . .
epetai-zana qaleghnes pujwI' HIvlu'chugh quvbe'lu' . Bet'ala nog'tor www.tattoodles.com . paqIt pol .
Qapla' Balth je'

Dear Toodles,

Alright see i have a small arm do u think i can take the pain when i
get my tattoo???

Tricey

Dear Tricey,

At first I assumed that this was from a woman named "Tricey" but after careful reading, Iím now convinced this is actually some mobster in the witness protection program. (Who else starts a sentence "Alright see"?) So in the interest of protecting your identity mr.. . er. . Ms. Tricey, Ill go along with your little charade *wink wink*

Do I think you can take the pain!? Could Tony "the Fish" Genoa take it when you offed him at the abandoned quarry!? Could Jimmy "thumbs" Mortadella take it when you broke his kneecaps? Could Geno "Iím outta nicknames" Capicola take it when you "collected" his "insurance payments"? If those guys could take it, you could certainly stand a lil ole' tattoo.

Its gotta hurt less than a 9mm slug, right!?

Dear Toodles,

this is my information to you... unless your sellin pics of girls
naked...
your not gunna get people to pay fuck all for this shit site.
ppuuuhhhleaaase!! pay for tattoo PICTURES? fuck that.

Shady Ass Playa

Dear Mr. Ass_Player,

May I just call you Shady? Good. Now Shady, sometimes people look on this interweb thing for music, other times they are seeking recipes for cheesecake or pipe bombs, but, as you noted, usually itís just to see naked ladies. Now I could try to lie and say that thatís not what Tattoodles customers are like, but you and I both know that the vast majority of us are just lookiní for the free boobies on this here intermawebthingy.

However once in awhile, after a cigarette and a box of Kleenex, a lot of people do get around to looking for pictures of their next tattoo. Thatís where we come in, we're like a tattooed preacher hanging outside the porn shop ready to hand the trench-coated masses a pamphlet about how heavy metal music will send you to hell. . . sort of. . Where was I? Anyway, the point is that some folks do value the art of some of the tattoo worldís best artists. In fact, they actually are glad to pay "fuck all".

Besides, some of the tattoo designs are drawings OF girls naked, and Iím sure you'll agree that when that happens, we are ALL the winners. .

Dear Toodles,

i think its pretty fuckin retarded that you want money to save a
picture onto their computer that is art your a fuckin capitilist pig and you
should burn with the rest of the fuckin swine like you....you people voted for
bush and your the reason everything is wrong....

Jay

Dear Jay,

Jay, ok man, take it easy. . . deeeep breaths, relax, relax, that vein on the side of your head looks like its about to pop! Id like you to imagine my voice as sounding gentle and reassuring as you read the following response. Think meadows in spring and soft breezes ok buddy?

Now that we are calm, Iíd like to respond to your comment.

Fuck off, you hypocrite shit-sucker. Was your email typed on a computer built in a co-op commune and bartered for with chickens? No? Well then, you too are a participant in the "evil" capitalist system, moron. Unlike a lot of capitalist pigs, we offer a pretty damn fair bargain for your hard earned money (or whatever they use for barter in the proletarian utopia you apparently reside in). Artists who worked hard to create the art get paid for it, the people who use the art get tattoo designs that will keep them happy for life, and as an added bonus, numbnuts like you get to send us angry, incoherent, emails from your moms computer.

Finally, we did not vote for Bush, being Canadian they kinda wouldnít let us vote at all down there.

Toodles

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