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Back Hair 'N Boobs: In Consideration of Tattooing

Toodles tells you what you can do with that tattoo starter kit.

by AdamSkyArtist

May 12, 2005

We get a lot of folks asking us what to do with the pointy end of a 'tattoo starter kit'. Remember, it's not self-mutilation if a friend is there to help. More real live email from real live people who've figured out that there's so much more to the Interweb than an inconspicuous way to download a new girlfriend.

Dear Toodles,

I just bought a tattoo Kit.And i was wondering what kind of advise would you give to a guy like me.I have been tattooing my self and my Brothers with a needle and India ink for 5 years.I also bought some practice skin.The only thing is I din't go to school for tattooing.Can i get in trouble for tattooing other people rather than my self and my brothers.Thank you for you'r time.Please send me an E-mail whit some advice on what to do.

Bogart

Bogie my man,

You want advice? STOP. Stop giving your brothers scratcher tattoos, or you will likely have to also give them a liver some time down the road when the hepatitis you also gave them shows up for the party. Tattooing isnít a hobby like milking cats or collecting nose goblins is. Tattooing isnít something you should do without proper training (like an apprenticeship) and in some states you actually CAN get into legal trouble for tattooing without a license. Imagine if your rap sheet looks like this:
Speeding
Public drunkenness
Poking brother
Y'see what Iím saying. . .it just doesnít look good on an application at Wal-Mart.

Dear Toodles,

I noticed you mentioned boobs alot so i thought i would ask... how exactly do you get a firm grip on breasts so as to tattoo them properly. i find they get really unruly and hit me in the face alot when i am working. i find this very embarrassing and the other tattoists laugh at me!

Tara

A good question Tara,

I myself have never been assaulted by breast-eses and in general they behave themselves. I think your problem might be your attitude. If you sass a breast it will sass back, if you hit them they will hit you right back. Breasts take no guff from anyone.
You need to first assure the breasts that you are a friend to them, after all tattoos hurt our little nipply friends so they must first be appeased. To begin with address the breast in a confident manner, for example " HELLO Breast! And how are you today!?" (at thus point you might want to refrain from calling them titties, jugs, or lunghammers until they are more comfortable with you), one you have the breast in questions attention the next step is to greet the breast in the traditional manner, simply place your nose between them and go "blubblublbublbublub" really fast while moving your head from side to side rapidly. This usually does the trick and they will behave.
If the breasts are particularly unruly I suggest the use of duct tape.

Dear Toodles,

i have a tattoe in my lower back andi am thinking of getting laser hair removal done but i was wondering if it would affect the tattoe?

Curious

Dear Curious,

That depends, if it looks like you are wearing a gorilla costume then it will probably affect the tattoo because you will actually be able to see it through the giant forest of hair and, I assume, dingleberries. As a side note, once you get that tail removed please do the right thing and donate it to some poor bald man who would look pimpiní with an analpube toupee.

Dear Toodles,

I have been drawing since I was 4 years old...I really wanna put my own art wokr on people. I meen it already is I just wanna be the one to tat it on them..Drawing is my life and my art wokr awwww people...I wanna know where I can start? How to motivate myself to do it? I went into a few parlor's for a aprenatship..I even have been offer to a job in a different state but I would had have to travel Florida..I live in Michigan.I have been know this has been what i wanted to do since i was like 11 years old and given kids in school fake tattoos with gel pen lol....If you could give me any edvice it would be helpfully.

Ink_R_Us

Dear Ink_R_Us,

Obviously you are too important a personage to move for an apprenticeship. Now of course we like to be "helpfully" here at Tattoodles, so we have decided to bring the apprenticeship to you! In just a few days a couple guys who go by "Moose" and "Knuckles" will be stopping by to help you. In order to give you an idea of whatís in store, Iíve included a quick syllabus of the course for you.

1. Reality. In this chapter the apprentice will learn that tattooing is doing the art other people want, not the art "wokr" you want to do.

2. Finance. In this chapter the apprentice will learn to live on ramen noodles and rainwater.

3. Spelling. Unfortunately, Ink_R_Us, I have a feeling you wont be getting past this chapter. . . . .

Toodles

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