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How to Become a World Famous Body Piercer!

And what's up with lesbian dolphin tattoos?

by AdamSkyArtist

May 24, 2005

Tattoo Music is one of those things that seems easy to define 'til you try to narrow it down. It seems like rock and roll would be it in a nutshell, but have you ever been tattooed to some nice, smooth jazz? Much more pleasant than gritting your teeth while some guy screams about Satan, let me tell you. In the same way that having a fight with your old lady (or man) right before you get tattooed will make it that much more unpleasant, listening to crappy music will up the unpleasant factor too. So what is "Tattoo Music"? At a guess Id say its whatever helps you unclench your fists a little more, that blends into the buzzing, that doesn't drive you or the artist batty. Of course, if either artist or client cant agree on what's good tattooing music then the artist wins . . .the guy with the needle always wins. . . .

Dear Toodles,

Hi! I have a tattoo of two dolphins going in circle. I didn't know that was an lesbien sign until the next day. If you ca please tell me what can I do to change that. I like it but, I'm not gay. please help me.


Well Jennifer, Iím afraid that there is nothing you can do. It would seem that the only solution would be for you to embrace your new lifestyle. Please send pictures of this newfound chapter of your life to:

13 Credibility St.
YourTown, Canada.

Dear Toodles,

I Have Been A Piercer About A Year Now, I Was Wondering How Long Before , I Will Be Known As A WORLD FAMOUS PIERCIER.Just Wondering If There Was A Certain Amount Of Time.. THANX....


Dear Kaoz,

I see that you have completed step one, getting a wacky nickname. Good work so far. Step two, is of course the ear marathon . . . as Iím sure you know, you must stretch your earlobes to about 5 inches around. If someone in your city already has 5 inch earlobes then go for 6 just to be on the safe side. Thatís the easy part, but to really achieve world fame you must get on MTV piercing Dr.Dresí choad. It wonít be easy, but its really the last frontier of piercing and should you be the one to achieve this particular feat of taint perforation your legend will be sung by the masses for centuries.
By the way, you might want bring a bullet proof vest. Foí shizzle.

Dear Toodles,

Will black magic cover a big black heart that i had tattooed on my back, its very spotty and not matte?


Well Sara, using black magic for touching up tattoos can be a tricky business. Usually there is some form of bargain with Satan or one of his lesser minions, a lot of killing of chickens and, unfortunately, usually there is some form of goat sodomy involved. However, the results are often stunningly solid as the hordes of Hades draw your immortal soul out through your eyes in an excruciating orgy of pain and gore, burn it in front of you, and use the ashes to get all those little spots that were missed the first time.
A word of warning though! Recently a lot of scumbag demons have been doing touch ups out of their basements with kits bought from shitty magazines. These infernal underlings do not have the training or facilities to insure that when they are immolating your holy essence that you donít get a mad case of Herpetitus, donít do it! The only worse than eternity in the lake of fire, is eternity in the lake of fire with an itchy crotch.

Dear Toodles,

my girl and i love to play chess and do shots of butter-crown for every major piece taken. what is the perfect proportion of buttershots to crown for the smoothest buttershot (or royal butt as they call them here in indiana) and should i use a shot glass or will one of the small plastic cups from the kids play kitchen suffice. also, what opening move should i make to totally cream her ass! thanks


Stumpy, I usually prefer Van't Kruys Opening, but then one night while drinking and playing chess old Van't got pissy and now he wont let me near his opening at all anymore. Sheesh, you make one "polishing the bishop" joke. . .

Anyway after that incident I swore off drinking and chess playing and I encourage you to do the same. Iíve personally witnessed several gruesome chess accidents and lost a good friend to a freak rook in the eye accident. *shiver*.Its all "knight to pawn 3" and "creaming her ass" Ďtil someone gets a queen in the jugular. . . .

Dear Toodles,

whats the stencil paper for and how does it work.Because i just bought a kit and it comes with tribal flash.The only thing is what if i dont have a stencil maker will i still be able to put the tattoo desing on them and then start tattooing.And how does the flash work.Thank you for you'r time.

Malverdemy man

Ahhh yes the old "home tattooing kit". Malvy my man, you have come to the right place. I want you to listen very carefully because to really tattoo at home correctly you need to do the following.
First, take the stencil paper and wind it into a very tight cylinder. You want to be sure to get it even and smooth for the next step.
Next, take the tube of stencil paper and cram it up your ass. Really get it up in there.
Then you want to take that piece of crap equipment your planning on giving all your friends hepatitis with and put it into a sock, shove the power supply and any large quantities of pennies you have laying around in there as well.
Once you have them all in the sock, knot the end, swing it around violently and smash it into your skull. This is where the real dedication comes into play. . .any half assed scratcher will only give themselves 2 or 3 good pummelings but if you have what it takes to be a REALLY good scratcher, you will continue until you either pass out from blood loss or come to your senses and leave the tattooing to the professionals.
Either way, we all win!


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