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Ask Toodles > View Ask Archives

Toodles Finally Admits It!

This whole charging for tattoo designs deal-io? We were just joking.

by JasonLambertArtist

June 14, 2005

Tattoo shop signs are an unappreciated art form in and of themselves. If you want to see what annoys your particular artist take a look around at the signs, signs like "We don't care what you paid elsewhere" or "No ID, No tattoo, No Exceptions" will answer 90% of questions before they are even asked!. Sometimes they are just gruff and to the point ("No DEALS, Don't Ask") sometimes they are eloquent and polite ("please, no use of cell phones while we are tattooing you as it distracts the artist.") and sometimes they are funny (If you are drunk, on drugs, under 18, looking for a deal, smelly, rude. . . please come back when you aren't") But my favorite has to be a sign in an old photo of a Coney Island tattooer from about 1945, it says simply "Discounts for Clergy and Idiots."

Dear Toodles,

can help me i need the any picture tatto,please send to my e mail.
thanks...............

-freitas

Freitas. . . ahhhhh, tasty, tasty freitas. . .your guacamole calls to me like a siren, How can I resist sending you any tattoo picture when your delectable tortilla shell is so enticing!? Take all the picture tatto(o) you desire my delicious pan fried friend! Take two, take ten! Just keep your onion and green pepper dappled freitas flowing my way. . . wait a minute. . .
I was thinking Fajitas. . . not freitas.
hmmm.
In that case, go pound salt ya tatto(o) picture mooching sapsucker!

Dear Toodles,

Pay to see your tatoos?? You have got to be kidding!

Me

I wondered how long it would take someone to figure it all out, Me! Yes indeed, we ARE kidding! It started off as a drunken dare one night, it wasnít the first dare of the night, but since we couldnít find a sheep and some lederhosen at 2 am this one had to make do. At first we figured that people would spot out our little prank right away, but wouldnít you know it. . . it took a smart cookie like you, me, er, ME, to suss out the truth.

Now that we can come clean with our little joke website, I feel that itís my solemn duty to tell the honest truth. Every single penny Tattoodles has made in the previous years has gone to support our Star Trek Collectables habit, if we could have continued this charade just one month longer I would have made enough to bid on that mint condition William Shatner toupee. . . thanks a lot, ME, thanks for stomping on my dream.

Dear Toodles,

i need to by a gun and i need help!

- brani

Ok Brani, I hear you, and you have come to the right place. Iím not sure who told you about my little "sideĒ business, but I can tell you that whoever it is will be sleeping with the crawdads by next week. Still, since you found out I might as well make a few bucks off the deal, right?
First thing you need to decide is what you need your gun for. Every person has their preferences and not every gun is appropriate for every job. Some like a heavier gun, some lighter, some like plain chrome and some like fancy finishes. Its very easy to get fooled into buying a gun based on its appearance as opposed to its function, and function, baby, is my middle name (Toodles Function Nipplesteinerwicz).
So before we start rattling off various makers and stuff I need to know what this gun will be used for. Robbing a bank? Take something easily concealable like a snub nosed .38. Hunting elephant? Big bore rifles are the only way to go! Kneecapping snitches? Go for the Glocks to up the intimidation factor.
Just remember, guns donít kill people, bullets do.

Dear Toodles,

sorry to bother you but i have a question?can people use india ink to out
line a tattoo and can they use it to shade.and a nother question how do you
shade a tattoo useing a 4flat shading needle.I hope you can help me thank
you for your time.

- Bogar

Boogar my man, these sound to my highly trained ears like technical questions. This indicates to me that you are, or would like to be, what we in the tattoo world call a "scratcher". Now I hate to pick on you, Boogar (hah!), but we need more folks trying to tattoo without proper training like we need another hole in the ozone.

Donít think I donít understand the lure of being a scratcher though, Snotty, because I can totally see why you would want to immerse yourself in the wonderful world of "underground tattooing". First , thereís the respect of your peers, nothing can come close to the respect you feel from someone trading you half a case of beer and some Meth for a tattoo. Second, the variety of diseases you spread around is a veritable mad scientistís lab of fun! Lastly, that warm fuzzy feeling of having your teeth knocked down your throat by some guy named "Killer" because you misspelled his old lady's name on his arm is one of those things you treasure forever.

As much as Iíd love to help you live out the dream, Mucus, I just canít do it. I can, however, put you in touch with Killer if you ever want to try. . .

Dear Toodles,

hi would you like to be my girlfriend

- alfredo

That line might work in cellblock D, mister, but out here in the real world you need to at least buy a girl dinner and a Subaru before you try to get all saucy, Alfredo.

Dear Toodles,

I pricked my finger when i was cleaning my gun from finishing a tattoo and i
cleaned the needle but accidently pushed the petal and it went in to my
finger about 1 skin layer in depth it wasn't deep at all. do you think that
i could get something from that even though i know the guy and know that he
has nothing or should i be very worried about it and go to the doctor
immediately

Oliver

You should probably sit down before we talk Oliver.

Comfy? Ok I have some good news for you and some bad news. The good news is that if you have proper training in how to tattoo, proper training in preventing cross contamination and knowledge of blood borne pathogens then Iím pretty sure you would already know the answer to this.

Which brings us to the bad newsÖ

Iím fairly sure that you are not a professional tattooer. The fact that you are aware of the possibility of spreading disease by NOT being a professional tattooer but still continue to be a scratcher means that, yes you will die of a horribly wasting, rotting, quite painful, and incurable disease. You might even already be dead as you read this, but if not, Iím sure that by the end of this senten. . . .

Toodles

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