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Ask Toodles > View Ask Archives

Is Toodles an Asshole?

Inquiring Minds Want to Know!

by JasonLambertArtist

August 16, 2005

There seems to be a couple words that get used a lot in tattooing. Those words are "custom" and "detail". You would assume that the meaning of those words is pretty clear, but not a day goes by without some yahoo demanding a "custom" tattoo, and when you ask what he or she wants. . .
It's lettering. Now, I can do fancy letters, and I suppose that would be "custom", but these folks inevitably want exactly whats in the book. Thus removing any opportunity to "customize" the tattoo they just demanded it to be "custom". Then, to add to the wonderfulness, they then ask for a lot of "detail" in the letters. And then want them solid black.

Dear Toodles,

Reading your terms and conditions you state that it is illegal to copy or
reproduce any artwork from the orginal artist, hobby artist etc. However
one of the dragons in the fantasy section is a reproduced Boris Valejo fairy
dragon. Isnt this a little contradictory


Purrfect? Is that you? I think I remember you from that one furry convention! 2002!? Remember me? Yea I was the one dressed in the crotchless beaver suit!? You sure you donít remember? You were all like "hey nice log there, Mr. Beaver" and I freaked out and screamed "ITíS BUCKY, BUCKY THE FUCKING BEAVER YOU FELINE DIMWIT!" and then you cried and I had to comfort you, but my plastic buckteeth kept falling into your cleavage. Man how can you not remember that night? I took you up to my room where I made a "dam" out of pillows and couch cushions and you kept trying to touch lilí Bucky but I was too busy gnawing on a chair leg . . .
Huh? Oh yea the fairy dragon . . . um . . . whatever.

Dear Toodles,

I ordered a tatoo and printed it off your website. but I thought there was
supposed to be a color and black outline sent to me house? I never received


Yo Megan, I totally feel your pain! Just last week I downloaded some crazy goat porn and waited and waited for the girl (or, hell, the goat) to show up at my door. Well, after a week and half of waiting I got pretty damn mad! Not only hadnít my goat loving honey not come to my house but after I downloaded a song by The Stinkbutt Trio, them assholes didnít bother to show up either!
I decided that Iím not going to accept this kind of slack-itude from the intermeweb anymore and quickly downloaded some legal advice so I could sue the internet. . .guess what. . .the fuckiní lawyer never showed up either. Y'know, I hate to be a downer, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the tattoo artist isnít going to come over to your house to do the tattoo either. It was hard for me to accept, but you and me, Meg, we are going to have to go outside our houses to accomplish the things we want. I know, it is a scary, scary world out there with its. . . other people and sunlight, but together I think we can make it.
You first.

Dear Toodles,

Are you an asshole? yes or no.


A question like this really canít be broken down into a yes or no question, but must instead be properly understood in all of its literal and metaphoric incarnations. We have to first determine if this question is in fact, answerable from an objective viewpoint or if the role of subjectivity is so great that a true answer in the form of direct positives (or, inversely, negative) is indeed a logical possibility. True there are signs, lets call them, "indicators" which seem likely to lead us to a conclusive resolution, but as we know from out study of Camus, the existential mind creates what it needs to see. These indicators of course are things like my behavior, the fact that I am currently writing "go fuck yourself you hosebag" and, my past history of saying things like "I hope your tits get cancer and fall off" might lead you to believe I am in fact an asshole. To this conclusion I can only say . . . . . yup.

Dear Toodles

i have been thinking of getting a tattoo, in the elvish language that says, if you ain't elven you ain't shit. do you think this is a good idea.


Kaoz my man, I donít want to be the one to tell you this, but I feel, for your safety, that I must. Iím sorry, but I just donít think youíre hardcore enough to really roll with elves, I hate to break down a brothers dream. I know that you see them out pimping the curly toed slippers and capping fairies on television and it seems like a "cool" lifestyle, but these elves are not role models my friend. In movies its all snorting pixie dust and sleeping with elven ho's, but in reality these woodland spirits are caught in a cycle of economic depression and criminal activity that makes Al Capone look like a Sunday school teacher. Elvish tattoos reinforce this gang mentality and if they find a non-elf sporting something like your idea, well, I shudder to think of what might happen. Donít you think it would be better to accentuate a positive group in your tattoo choices? Why not get something like "I like Fudge" on you in Arabic, or how about "My Mom is AWESOME" in dwarvish or something?

Dear sir,
We owe your name and addresst from the internet.
We avail ourselves of this opportunity to approach you for the establishment of trade relations with you.
We are a biggest company to produce tattoo products in china .In order to acquaint you with our business lines. We enclose a copy of our Export List covering the main items suppliable at presents.
Should any of the items be of interest to you .Please let us know.We shall be glad to give you our lowest quotations upon receipt of your detailed requirements.
In our trade with merchants ,we always adhere to the principle of equality and mutual benfit .It is our hope to promote,by joint efforts,both trade and friendship to our mutual advantage.
We look forward to reciving your enquiries soon.
yours faithfully,


HmmmÖ Kevin eh? Y'know, Iíve gotten a lot of spammy goodness from China in my e-mailbox over the years, but never was it from an Asian named "Kevin". Itís really interesting to me because I was originally know as "Bong Chong Tattoodles" but not because my parents were Asian. . They just smoked a lot of weed. . .
Anyway, your offer to "promote by joint effort, both trade and friendship" sounds pretty good, but frankly Iíve got enough friends . . .ok actually I have no friends, but if I DID have any Kevin, Iím pretty sure they wouldnít be Chinese merchants selling crappy bootleg tattoo equipment. Plus, being friends with me means you need a lot of patience . . . and beer . . . more beer than patience really. Oh, and a hot looking sister. Thereís my requirements so hit me back with that "low quote" and Iíll get right on your sister. . .er. . i mean, offer. . .right on your OFFER.
And as for "approaching me for trade relations" the last time someone did that they turned out to be an undercover cop and I got 30 days and my picture in the paper so, no thanks, Officer Kevin.


L am a chinese man .Now l want to built relations with you and woked it in an company that produce tottoos.
L excepts to recice from you.


Dear Sam,

Iíve gotten a frightening number of offers to "have relations" with people in China recently. Now the first hundred or so I chalked up to my stunning good looks, winning personality and giant. . uh. . . talent. By this point I know that not all of you fine folks could have seen my internet debut in "One Hung Low: The Anal Years" despite the rave reviews of my uncle Timmy. So Iím going to go out on a limb here and say that you guys are spamming me because you believe that I. . .sorry. . that "L" have a secret to making wheelbarrows full of cash.
And I do.
Iím just not telling YOU guys how I did it. The only clue I can give is that I made a killing selling hairy wool socks and foot powder during the "Birkenstock summer" of '96, but Sam, there was a terrible, TERRIBLE price to pay for making the Toodles family fortune that way.
To this day I still cannot smell clearly.

Dear Toodles,

I love drawing tattoos and everything, so i usually search the web for some good art work i suggest that you do more work on you gallary.


Hmmm Ahdi, there seems to be a problem here. You see, Iíve searched and searched the Tattoodles database and still there is no sign of "Ahdi's awesome flash designs" anywhere. Thereís fantastic stuff by some of the worlds foremost tattooers, and there is classical and cutting edge styles, thereís even kanji characters and a cross-referenced search function. . . but no trace of your obviously superior art work anywhere!
Did you misplace it before we had a chance to feature it? Could we have lost it? HmmÖ doesnít seem likely. Well I just donít see how we can possibly work on our "gallary" (sounds like a strip bar name there. . . lemmie write this down. . .)without your submission of art. Iím sure its SO much better than everything we already have so we'll be sure to erase the old stuff just as soon *snicker* as we get your stellar art in the *snort* mail.

Dear Toodles,

I want to learn to design flash. I have graduated at the tender age of 40 with a degree in Applied Science Visual Communications and what a way to communicate than through some sick ink designs? Any suggestions? Keep in mind I'm Broke.


Well Magilla the Gorilla, money isnít usually the problem in creating flash. If you have some paper and ink and talent you should have no problem. Of course the problem is that the first two are very common, itís the last one thatís rare as tits on a boar.
As far as suggestions for flash ideas go, Iíve always been partial to geometric fractal inversion art based on kaleidoscopic differentials using a quasi-mosaic formula derived from the 334th extension of PI. But thatís just me, I love that kinda traditional designs!


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