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A Tattoo Shop's Most Important Tool: A Dictionary!

...And Are Nasty Infections Just a Matter of Dumb Luck?

by JasonLambertArtist

September 15, 2005

Most people know enough to look for an autoclave when shopping around for their tattoo studio. Sadly, most people's inquiry stops there, but there's another important piece of equipment every tattoo shop should have . . . a dictionary. It might not seem as critical as a sterilizer. But if your tattoo said "Deth befour Dishoner" it would. The biggest lame joke-your-uncle-tells stereotype about tattooing is the guy walking around with a spelling mistake on his scary skull tattoo. So whenever a person I know opens a new shop I always make my shop-warming gift a dictionary. . .its the geft thet kieps awn givyng.

Dear Toodles,

ino this is a bit off topic but anyways..hi im 14.. n i just wondered do u regret any of your tattos because i want one on my hip bone kind of area..
and i want a chinese symbol of hope.. the thing is im scared ill regret it or itl get infected coz im not very lucky with they go rong please reply..thanx


First let me state that you are grounded, young lady. 14 is way too young for some "rong" piercings and I doubt that your "rong" has even finished growing yet and there you go sticking needles into it!
Second, before getting a tattoo of "hope" I think you should learn the character for "underage" first. It should take you about 4 more years to master this by which time you will be ready for a tattoo.
Lastly, being "infected because Iím not lucky" is an excuse Iíve tried many times myself down at the clinic. The nurse never buys it and I donít either. Luck has nothing to do with it; dirty whores do (at least in my case). When Iím "unlucky with infections" the worst that happens is a sadist in a white coat rams a q-tip down "lil Toodles" and I get some shots, ok and a few rashes, uh and maybe leisions, oh yea, and the dribbles. In your case being "unlucky with infections" might include all of the above plus the destruction of your liver and a nasty scar that slightly resembles the character for "hope". . . .

Dear Toodles,

im a self empoeey tattoo atrits i just want some free stuff pic & swag holla back

leonard j

Leonard my main dooky stain,
Free stuff? FREE STUFF!? Honkey PUH-LEEEZE! Nothing in this world is free but bad advice and sunshine. So if you want some swag weíre going to have to work out some kinda barter system. Since you are a "self empoeey tattoo atrits" Im thinking we can put some of your mad basement tattiní skillz to good use. So hereís the deal, you tattoo a couple bible verses on me and Iíll send you some swag, ok?
After all with your fan-fucking-tastic spelling abilities what could possibly go "rong"?

Dear Toodles,

hi there. iwould like to know how much will cost a tattoo of the whole back!!! (i have the pic they are wings) and how long does it take


Ale-(hocker sound)-andra there are many possible answers to your question. But before I give them to you allow me to make fun of you first, m'kay?
Asking "how much is a tattoo" that I canít see is like me calling the pet store and asking "how much for the dog". Pricing tattoos is done in person, so you might have to crowbar your fancy named ass of that chair and step into an actual tattoo shop. Itís scary out there in the world, I know, but I believe in you Alechanderra.
Along the same line, asking how long it will take entirely depends on how big and complicated the design in, how fast the artist works, if he will spend some extra time hitting on you or if you will need to meditate and have a group hug halfway through the process. Remember, crying does add some time to the whole process and costs extra at most shops.


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