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How I Became an Eleventhousandair Over Night As a Tattoo Artist!

by AdamSkyArtist

May 22, 2006

Imagine... Get Anything You Want (the home of your dreams, a cottage house, beautiful cars, and vacations in exclusive gentlemen's resort clubs paid for by the government, no health or dental benefits and no retirement plan!)

Can You Trace Pictures? Then YOU CAN TATTOO!

I used to live in a van, down by the river! It's true! Life was not always a bed of roses for me, until I learned just how easy it is to make fast money tattooing pictures of roses on the tooshies of neighbourhood crack ho's.

Almost overnight, I went from cleaning rocks at the bottom of the lake to slappin' on sick tatties and living the fabulous lifestyle of a tattoo artist... and guess what? I'm here to teach you the same things that I learned so you too can be a part of this dream career!

No drawing skills or experience? No problem! What every professional tattoo artist wants to keep secret is that tattooing is really not much more than tracing. Can you draw a stick figure? It doesn't matter! The only skill you need to get started as a tattoo artist is the ability to count big stacks of money. And by big stacks of money, we mean roll quarters and cash in empty beer bottles.

I've been working in the tattoo business now for 13 years. And during this time, I've amassed so many fabulous sports cars that I needed an air craft hanger just to house my collection! Do you think this dream is unattainable? Well think again because I'm inviting you to live just like me!

Check It Out!

my stable of luxury automobiles!

During my decade long career as a tattoo artist I've been able to amass two luxury homes - my state of the art double wide trailer in beautiful upstate Alabama and my country home in a very upscale gated community in the wetlands of Louisiana! Both are completely paid for because as a tattoo artist, no one will give you a credit card, a line of credit or a mortgage because tattoo artists don't earn paycheques!

Plus, my career as a tattoo artist has ensured that my daughter only works at the classiest strip bars because I tattoo all of the bouncers at all of the strip clubs! No more expensive cover charges for me!

So by now you're asking yourself how I can become a part of this exclusive and lucrative career as a tattoo artist. It's as easy as taking my comprehensive 3 day tattoo course! That's right, it only takes 3 days to learn everything you'll need to know to sling ink!

Don't just sit on the couch, dreaming of becoming a tattoo artist, live the dream and enroll today!

But becoming a tattoo artist isn't for everyone. Get ready because I'm going to teach you how to...

  • Starve from September to April!
  • Learn culpable deniability when you find out that the blonde hottie with the little 'Daddy's Girl' tattoo you did was only 15 years old!
  • Enjoy the wonderful aromas of sweaty fat people in close proximity!
  • Go through people's pockets, looking for loose change when they pass out!

There's an old saying around our house...

"If You Can't Make Money in the Tattoo Business, its Because There's no Money to be Made in the Tattoo Business!"

I'm not bragging, I'm keeping it real! And that's the motto of...


Now put down the remote control, flip closed the foot rest on your Lay-Z-Boy, scootch up a little closer and pay attention because I'm going to share with you the "secrets" of the tattoo biz but only if you sign up now for my 3 day tattoo course! That's all it takes to become a master tattoo artist, just 3 days!

Here's a sample of some of the letters we receive from our satisfied graduates:

Dear Dr. Adam,

I just finished my first winter as a tattoo artist and I never realized just how many delicious flavors Top Ramen noodles come in!


Scratchy McScabberson, Lumpoc, TN


Thanks for pointing out that the sharp end goes in the customer. I would have never figured that out on my own. Your school is the best money I ever spent.

Hepatitis Jack, Wichita, KY

Dear Dr. Adam,

The 15 minutes you spent teaching our class on prevention of cross contamination was worth the cost of enrollment alone! We now know that it's better to not scrub our dirty needles in the same sink that we wash our dishes. Whew, close one!

Rusty Needles, Fort Wayne, IN

Dear Dr. Adam,

I just got back from your 3 day course and the confidence I now feel from knowing the secrets of the tattoo artist has really helped me in my social life! I'm now the most popular fella in the trailer court and I get invited to all of the parties, as long as I bring my 'tattoo gun', of course! I'm saving up for my brand new double wide as I write this because I'm living the dream!


Bubba 'The Butcher' Jones

Wow, all this just to trace pretty pictures all day! But wait, there's more! Don't forget that as an individual contractor, which is how most tattooers are employed, you don't get any health care or dental benefits! No pensions or social security plans! And don't forget the joys of fighting over customers in a shop full of hungry tattoo artists, all jockeying for the same tribal ass antlers and Tazmanian Devil tattoos! Who doesn't like to wrassle?

Let's also not forget that tattooing is completely seasonal, so this means days or weeks of what we in the biz call "rolling donuts" or sitting around with zero income days in the tattoo shop during the winter months. But of course if you're really industrious, you can relocate your family to warmer climates and take advantage of the tourist trade, but don't forget to relocate back during the tourist off season! Relocating is FUN, FUN, FUN!!!


Don't believe me? Have a look at my beautiful homes:

My luxury home!

That's right, I live here every day! You can own a home just like mine by being a MASTER TATTOO ARTIST!

My cottage in the country!

^^ My country cottage ^^

"There are 3 Way to Become a Tattoo Artist:"

Option #1: You can apprentice. You'll need to devote yourself to at least a year of working under a master tattoo artist, receiving one on one tutelage, learning patience and discipline and slowly and meticulously being taught how to put permanent tattoos on paying customers. Pffft! Who's got time for that? Tattooing's just tracing, right?

Option #2: You can buy a tattoo gun out of a back of a magazine and get zapping. But how will you know exactly which crappy tattoo supply company to buy your starter kit from? With my 3 day course you won't make these amateur mistakes!

Option #3: You can take my 3 day course and give me your money and I'll tell you which crappy company you can buy your starter tattoo kit from. It's that easy!

Some other tricks you'll learn from my 3 day tattoo course that you won't find anywhere else:

  • Maximize your earning potential by selling Crystal Meth out of the back room!
  • Find out how easy it is to turn your customers to work for you! Turn that upstairs apartment into a brothel for quick and easy cash!
  • Learn to spot quality stolen merchandise that you can trade for tattoos!

Simply hanging your shingle isn't going to reel in the customers. This is where 99% of tattoo artists make mistakes. You've got to learn how to *promote* yourself! Here's an example of some of the ways you can win new customers:

  • Make Tuesdays 'Tit for Tat' Tuesdays!
  • Nothing says shop ambiance like Norwegian Death Metal!
  • Stimulate conversation with your clients with recollections of porn trivia!

Here are some myths that only THE WORLD'S MOST REALISTIC TATTOO SCHOOL will debunk for you; you won't find this through a 'traditional' apprenticeship:

  • Clip cord sleeves and other barrier cover films are only sold to make tattoo supply companies more money!
  • Latex gloves are totally appropriate for tattooing when using petroleum based lubricants. Nitrile gloves are for hypochondriacs!
  • Absolutely no experience getting tattooed is necessary for giving tattoos! Most of our students have never bothered to get a tattoo in the first place because tattoos are painful, expensive and worst of all - PERMANENT! Why spend money getting tattoos when I could be MAKING MONEY DOING TATTOOS?

So what's holding you back? Why spend years under the carefully guided instruction of a master tattoo artist in a professional tattoo apprenticeship with you can realize your dreams now as a completely unqualified and subsequently unemployed would be tattoo artist with our fantastic 3 day course?



(Dr. Adam is not a real doctor, nor does he play one on TV. You'd think with a name like 'Doctor' he'd be a real physician that had experience in at least something relevant to tattooing like dermatology and not even a quasi-medical practitioner like a chiropractor or something!)

Editor's note: You've just enjoyed a spoof infomercial for a make believe tattoo school. suggests that if you really want to learn how to become a tattoo artist, you should seek out an apprenticeship from a qualified and professional tattoo artist. Quick course tattoo schools are by-enlarge money making cash scams that lure people in using unrealistic promises of wild fortune but in reality churn out legions of unqualified and undereducated would-be tattooers with not enough resources to make it in what's already a very hard to break into business.

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